Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
