whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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