My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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