I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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