just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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