i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
