Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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