where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
