I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
