I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
