Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
