I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize