Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
