it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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