Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
