Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize