I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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