He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
