I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
