In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
