the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
