Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
