OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize