Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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