We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
