It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
