Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just gargled with NyQuil
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
