as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
