I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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