The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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