You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
