i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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