Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
