Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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