Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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