fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
