NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
