I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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