There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize