my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
