Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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