Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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