yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize