R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
did i walk over a car last night?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
