a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
