Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
