now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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