How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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