I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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