It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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