True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
