i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
