I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
