I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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