i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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