Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
