I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
